No Couch For Sasuke
by Animegoddess7878
Summary: When Naruto is in trouble, Sasuke sends him to the couch. When Sasuke is in trouble, Naruto takes the couch? Why has the Uchiha never been forced to sleep outside of his bed, even when he knows he's in the wrong? Well, it's about time he fixes that. SasuNaru, rated for language, kind of crackish so read at your own risk. Late birthday gift for Sasuke!


**It's a sort of late birthday present for Sasuke! Yay happy birthday to our favorite Uchiha! I lied...I like Itachi more but I still love his baby brother! I just like to torture him a bit that's all. I am so sorry for being gone for so long; so much happened and I just couldn't focus on my fanfictions. Writers block for a few stories, work-related issues, and a whole bunch of crazy other stuff but I'm back, hopefully for a long time this time until I have no more ideas for fics.**

 **So this is SasuNaru, don't be surprised; it was written by me after all, and it's for Sasuke's birthday as I said before. This was written in a hurry so please forgive some mistakes and Sasuke's behavior. There is no real timeline here but yeah, Naruto is Hokage and Sasuke has a genin team so deal with it and don't give me issues about 'canon' and 'SasuNaru isn't real and god wants to kill you for supporting homosexuals'. I've had enough of that and I'm going to die of something someday so why not kill me for doing something I love? Note: that's not an invitation to kill me, for you wackos out there.**

 **DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but the plot and the genins used in this fic. All rights and ownership of the Naruto characters and subjects used belong to Masashi Kishimoto and other such people who own legal rights to them. This is rated for language, so sorry nothing too graphic if that's what you're looking for so if you don't like it, don't read it and be courteous to other people who WANT to read it.**

There was one goal I had in mind when woke up this morning after I had a small fight with my boyfriend and had once again slept in an empty bed. I had to be careful and execute each step flawlessly otherwise the consequences of what I was attempting to do would be dire. Naruto was a pistol with a short fuse and that would play to my immediate advantage, but his inability to hold a grudge could result in ultimate failure. Failure was not an option at this point. I was determined to make him so pissed at me that he would FINALLY send me to the couch but not pissed enough to break up with me.

All of the people I had talked to about this problem had just looked at me as though I were insane and just told me to be grateful. My and Naruto's relationship was anything but normal so why should we fight normal, one of them told me. Call me crazy, insane, hopelessly out of my mind but it was just something that bugged me. Sasuke Uchiha was going mad because his dobe didn't 'punish' him.

For as long as we've been together, three years as of four months ago, any time I have been 'in the dog house' with Naruto I've never been sentenced to sleep on the couch. If Naruto would make me angry I'd put him on the couch until I finally couldn't sleep without him next to me anymore and we would make up with awesome sex. However I've only ever been in 'trouble' with Naruto on two separate occasions that I felt _warranted_ being sent to the living room to sleep on a very uncomfortable piece of furniture.

The first time I had told him that I wouldn't be caught dead taking orders from an idiot Hokage. He had been livid and refused to come anywhere near me for almost three full days without his ANBU guards to restrain him from killing me, but when it came time to sleep he was the one to leave the bedroom and confine himself to the lumpy thing in the living room. I couldn't help but be confused. I knew I was in the wrong when I said that so I figured that he would call me a bastard, ask what I thought I was doing in our bed and kick me out of the room until morning. All he did though was go to our closet, without so much as looking at me, grab a blanket, yank his pillow away from the headboard and stomp out of the room.

The second time he was infuriated at me I had managed to hide of all of his precious 'limited edition special flavor' ramen packages because I thought I could coerce him into having shower sex with me to get them back. As it happened though, I had hidden the shit in the woods outside of our property and some animals destroyed them before Naruto finally caved in and agreed to my terms. When he found out…yeah, sex didn't happen for a whole month after that one and I still have problems raising my left arm due to the pain in that shoulder still hurting like a bitch. I had dutifully taken the couch, like a good boyfriend does when he knows he's in trouble, but Naruto had kicked me off of it and threw my ass into the bedroom instead. I stayed up that night watching him; thinking that maybe he was watching TV or something to take his mind off of the fight in order to sleep but all he did was lie down and close his eyes. He wouldn't even let me sit beside or in front of him while he laid on it, but I was more upset that it wasn't me on the couch since I knew that it was my fault but _he_ was technically being punished.

Whenever I knew I was in trouble I reluctantly admitted that I felt guilty for whatever I had done. Those two instances were prime examples but there were other times when I would say something in a moment of anger that I knew was below the belt. All Naruto did though was brush it off by the time it was time to go to bed and forgive me, saying he knew I didn't mean it and that everything was okay. Love-making would follow, because fucking was too harsh for making up after a fight, and everything would be fine the next morning as I would wake up to him sleeping on my chest as usual. My own guilt never really disappeared though since I felt I had never been properly disciplined by my boyfriend.

He's spent a lot of time on the couch courtesy of my anger as well, don't get me wrong but typically I _want_ him lying next to me when I sleep. I would only confine him to the couch for one day at most, but he was always apologetic when I got mad at him so I forgave him easily. Anyone else though, as childish as it would be, would have had their picture plastered to a kunai target that would be used as practice boards for my genin team if they so much as looked at me funny. Naruto was special though, and I loved him dearly, so he was spared a lot of the time. I'd get mad over small things though and hold it all in until everything piled up so high that the metaphorical pot would boil over. Things like not cleaning the splashed water around the bathroom sink after he was done washing his face in the morning, letting the dishes sit dirty in the sink when he knew I would be away for a period of time, not submitting reports on time so that shinobi could actually have time with their loved ones after high-ranking missions and most of all, not wearing something to bed that I suggested for him to wear on special occasions like holidays or anniversaries.

So it goes without saying that I was very confused and maybe a little hurt that I was never really 'punished' for pissing him off like most significant others are. At this point though 'minor' scuffles with him weren't really working so I had to resort to drastic measures to make myself feel like a semi-normal boyfriend. So I woke up, alone in bed, and planned out how exactly I would resort to putting myself on my love's bad side this week. If, after everything I would do today, I didn't get put on the blasted couch for a week _I_ would be the one livid as the devil himself.

I walked out into the living room to see him still dozing on the damned couch and I smirked to myself in a sort of insane sense of determination. I looked at the couch. I WILL be sleeping on you tonight if it's the last thing I do!

Step one: Mess up Naruto's paperwork so he'll have a shitty-as-hell-day from work and maybe make his secretary lecture him about tidiness.

This was the easiest part of the mission I had set for myself. Naruto always called the jonins into the Hokage's office in the mornings so getting to his stack of paperwork while he was assigning the missions wasn't hard for a shinobi of my caliber. I walked through the doors and stood at attention while Naruto handed out missions one at a time. Meanwhile I stood and waited my turn patiently looking for my chance to royally screw up his next few hours. Since the missions were handed out alphabetically I was the last one in the room by the time I had figured out just how I was going to pull this off.

"Sasuke Uchiha, please come forward to receive your genin team's mission for the day and your assignment once that task has been completed," my dobe said in a commanding 'Hokage voice' that I found unbelievably sexy.

"Hai, Hokage-sama." This was it; I came up to the desk, stood two feet away from the edge of it, and bowed my respect to him. When I came back up though, I pretended to be swatting an insect that was 'conveniently' on his stack of papers. The whole thing came down in a scrambled mess and the sorted-by-rank mission sheets went flying all over the room.

Naruto let out a stunned sort of gasp and his eyes went wide. "Teme! What the hell did you have to go and do that for?!" he screamed.

I smirked inside and just shrugged my shoulders. "It wasn't my fault there was a bug there. Just tell me my mission, I'll get it done as fast as I can and I'll come back and help you."

Step two – 'Forget' to help him sort out his work and head home without submitting the mission report myself. Let the genin kids deal with it and let Naruto's anger build.

"I'm going to hold you to that Sasuke-teme – otherwise I won't be coming home tonight since Sakura-chan might just kill me for 'slacking off' when I have five meetings and a graduation ceremony to see to today."

"All the more reason for you to give me the missions. You still have them in your hand, dobe so brief me," I said almost bored; knowing that it would irk my boyfriend.

He ground his teeth and narrowed his eyes before handing me the files. "In the northeastern training field we've been getting reports of training equipment going missing and the latest findings say that there are rather large animal tracks leading into the surrounding woods."

"What sort of equipment is missing?"

"Straw dummies, wooden posts, shinobi wire traps; things like that. It's costing a lot of money to constantly replace it all, since it's a public training ground after all and not all shinobi use their own weapons there, so I want traps set and the area observed for the next several days. If the animal or culprit shows itself then I want it or them apprehended and brought in to me. The mission has been ranked as D-class but if the problem persists for more than one week and nothing happens I'll raise it to C-class. Make sure Team 11 doesn't leave the training ground under any circumstance unless it's in shifts."

"Hai, Hokage-sama. And what about my mission after this one is completed?" I asked with real respect; Naruto was a brilliant leader and he took his position very seriously.

Naruto lowered his head and brushed a hand through his hair in weariness. "A body was found outside of the main village gate late last night and there was a scroll pinned to him that's been sealed somehow and nothing Morino-san does is working to get it open. Your mission is to unlock the seal and report its contents to the Intelligence department as soon as possible. The man's identity apparently isn't on the record of active shinobi in any of the five Great Nations, not that we would actually know, but we're treating him as a rogue until that can be determined. I'm hoping that it's just a goodbye letter or a regret message but optimism sometimes is a person's downfall when it comes to security."

"How soon do you want this done?" I asked while adding a bored drawl to my voice, very similar to Shikamaru.

"Morino-san told me to hold off on briefing you or Hyuga-san about the situation but Neji isn't really a patient person when it comes to things like this. Most likely he's already on his way to the morgue to take a look at the body. So there is no rush for you until Neji finds you or I send a hawk for you."

"It will be done as soon as my team sets up for their mission. Is there anything else you require me for, Hokage-sama?"

"As a matter of fact…you could tell me what you want for dinner tonight in case I make it home before you do," he said with a bright smile. That look only discouraged me from my goal. If he was smiling and asking me simple questions like that, then it meant that he had already 'forgotten' the mess I made for him a few minutes ago.

I scoffed, called him a dobe and left the room. Step three – practically ignore everything he asks of me unless it dealt with official shinobi business.

Sometime later I was waiting for my genins to arrive for the start of their mission. One by one, they came up to me, greeted me 'good morning sensei' and displayed each of their annoying qualities to me in their interactions with each other as we waited to begin the mission. Katsuyu, the oldest of the trio, was a natural born leader and had very good instincts when it came to survival but he was sorely lacking in chakra control and taijutsu techniques. Ayumi, the girl of the group, had problems with her chakra control as well but she excelled at nearly everything else; much like myself before I started my own training. The only thing I could say was 'wrong' with her was that she, like many people in this village, had an obsession with the relationship I had with Naruto. She would often ask what we planned to do for a date night or something and as a result she neglected a lot of her training. Miroku, the last member of the team was quiet but powerful. He had the largest chakra reserve of the three and he used that to his advantage when it came to sparring. He was athletic, smart, driven and focused…the only thing was he was WAY too 'honest' about missions and that often led to him getting into trouble since the way of the shinobi wasn't so gallant and honorable. He had problems with sneaking up on people and catching anybody off guard since he wanted to match a person in a 'fair fight' if such a thing existed.

I told them about their mission, they got everything set up and I started my mission as well. Short, sweet and to the point, the man was a civilian that had found an ANBU trap that released a powerful toxin into the victim's bloodstream if they came in contact with the innocent looking paper. Why Ibiki couldn't unseal the bindings on it was beyond me but the task was done and I told Neji to take the findings to Naruto instead of me.

"Any particular reason you want me to take this to your lover?" he asked suspiciously.

"I'm trying to get in trouble with him," I answered quickly.

He looked stupidly stunned for a few seconds before he shook his head. "Why are you trying to get in trouble with him? I thought you liked having sex with him on a regular basis so why make him mad and possibly have him withhold it?"

"I want him to make me sleep on the couch."

Silence…then a sigh escaped from the long-haired man's mouth. He shook his head and said, "Still with the couch thing? Why does it bother you so much? If you want to sleep on the damn couch then sleep on the stupid thing; you don't need to make the whole village suffer an angry Hokage."

I shook my head adamantly at him. "It has to be punishment. We've been an item for years and not once have I been punished by sleeping on the couch. It's like its mocking me and I don't like it."

Neji let out a short chuckle and walked away. I glared after him but left for home anyway. I told my team to hand in their report straight to Naruto once they were finished for the day and he hated it when I did that. Naruto could never be hard on kids if they did something wrong in a report; he was too gentle-hearted for that.

I was now lounging in a pair of sweatpants and a loose muscle shirt in the kitchen eating dinner on my own. I was executing step four of my plan.

Step four – Get rid of all of Naruto's ramen (but also hiding it in a safe place where furry little beast couldn't destroy it) and make a dish Naruto hated with a passion for dinner.

Step five however was going to be what would, hopefully, send him off the deep end. At a quarter past midnight, Naruto came home and by the way his chakra just flared he could smell dinner. I smiled in spite of the dark aura he produced and simply looked at him as he walked into the kitchen. He stopped in the doorway as he saw the frog's legs and snails on the stove.

Was it harsh of me? Yes. Was it insensitive? Hell yes. Was I above using dirty tricks such as this to get what I wanted? Fuck no. Of course they weren't REAL frog's legs; just an illusionary means to get what I want.

"Sasuke Uchiha…what the fuck are you eating?" he growled at me.

I smirked and handed him a plate. "Want some? They're pretty good; they had a sale at the market today and I got three pounds of them," I said as though it was the highlight of my day.

Naruto glared at me so hard that I swear his eyes flashed red for a moment. "Tell me why the fuck you thought it was okay to buy that," he asked through gritted teeth. I shrugged my shoulders and he growled at me. He took the plate and tossed it down on the table before he crossed the room to get to his 'ramen cabinet'. He took one look inside of it and stopped. The dark aura grew darker if it was possible and I had to suppress a shiver of satisfaction from going down my spine. "Where the fucking hell is my ramen, bastard?!" he yelled.

Just one more little push and he would be angry enough to execute step five. "How should I know but if you don't have ramen then it's either the frog's legs or you go to bed hungry. It's your choice, usuratonkachi."

Naruto slammed the cupboard door shut so hard and fast that it nearly broke in two. He turned to me so fast that I thought he would've hurt himself and for a second I was regretting this. But the feeling was short-lived as he started his furious tirade.

"You fucking asshole, what the hell did you do?! First you mess up my paperwork by knocking my sorted piles off my desk and sending them flying everywhere, then Sakura-chan accused me of being lazy and she yelled at me for two hours! Then whenever someone knocked on my door I thought it was you coming to help me like you said you would but where were you?! NOWHERE TO BE FUCKING FOUND! After I finally got things cleaned up, I ended up being late to three meetings and I was forced to delay the graduation ceremony; which earned me another lecture and now I'm two days behind on my work! Next your genin team arrives with a mission report that wasn't even filled out and they told me that you had left them to fend for themselves against a rabid animal! I expect to come home and relax but I find you here eating FROGS LEGS OF ALL THINGS! YOU KNOW WHAT THEY MEAN TO ME BASTARD SO WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO DO?!"

"Calm down Naruto; it's not that big of a deal. You're over-reacting over nothing and acting like a girl on her period." If that statement didn't put me on the couch I didn't know what would. Step five – Insult his masculinity and brush off the problem. Mentally I prepared for whatever he was about to say and my inner-self rubbed his chibi little hands together in anticipation of the words 'you're on the couch.'

Naruto's face twisted into a menacing sneer and he glared at me in silence. He opened and closed his mouth a couple of times before saying, "And to think I felt bad that we fought on the day before your birthday. Well bastard; since I'm acting like a girl and you hate girls I guess it's safe to say you don't want me anymore," I didn't like where he was going with this and I could feel myself tensing up. "And since you don't want to be with me anymore I guess I'm not welcome here. I'm leaving. I'll get my shit tomorrow and you'll only have to see me when you get your missions."

Danger, danger, danger; please locate your nearest exit and get the hell out of there! What did he just say?! Was he…breaking up with me?! I got out of my chair with lightning speed and stopped him before he got to the stairs leading to our bedroom. I knew steps four and five were risky with his temper but holy shit I had to stop this before he actually left!

"Hold on one fucking minute Naruto; I never said I wanted you to leave! Let me explain first-"

"I don't want to hear your excuses Uchiha; you crossed a fucking line! It's one thing to stand me up but it's another thing entirely to fry and eat an animal you know I love! If you can't have enough respect for me to have the common decency to at least not eat it while I'm within forty miles of you then you don't have any right to be in a relationship with me! Now move your ass away from that staircase before I break you in half in a very violent and bloody manner!"

"Will you listen to me; I'm sorry! I had a reason and this was the only way that I knew how to accomplish my goal!" I shouted at him pitifully.

"What the hell sort of goal do you have to deliberately make me basically hate you?!" he yelled back; still clearly hurt and angry.

"I want you to make me sleep on the fucking couch!" Naruto's face went blank and the furious air around him dissolved into nothing but confusion. "You…what?" he asked.

"Any time that I was mad at you I sent you to sleep on the couch but any time you're mad at me you take it. I don't understand why you've never punished me by doing that. I know that there have been times that I've deserved it but you still let me sleep in our bed. It's confusing and I don't get why you do it."

Naruto seemed to think for a minute before he groaned and held his head with his right hand. "Teme, I do punish you but I don't need the couch to do it; I make you sleep in the bedroom to make you feel like you did before we started dating. Call it low of me but I know how much you hate sleeping without me since we started going out and having sex. So I figured if you stayed where we both loved to be, without me, you would realize what you did and actually apologize. And you send me to the couch over stupid things; I only leave you in bed alone if you did something I can't forgive right away. And by the way I don't think that I can even stay in this house with you right now after…after what you did in the kitchen."

"They aren't real frog's legs dobe; I would never actually do that to you, no matter what I wanted. Plus when would I ever eat something like that let alone buy three pounds of it? I know it was insensitive and I know you're mad at me but I didn't know what else to do to make you put me on the damn couch."

"Well fake or not good fucking job Sasuke; the couch is yours if you want it because I'm not spending the night here tonight; maybe not for a whole week," he said viciously.

"Does that mean you're really breaking up with me?" I asked regretfully and with a slight tinge of fear. This wasn't what I wanted…I just wanted to be sent to the couch not end everything I had with him.

He looked confused for a second but realization dawned on him a few moments later. "You don't want to be with someone who acts like a girl on her period teme; and I do believe I'm not a girl and I don't have a period. So as long as I don't have a vagina and a uterine wall that sheds every month we don't have to break up. But I'm still not sleeping here." He smiled in spite of the haughty tone of voice he spoke with. I smiled as well and hugged him. Naruto reluctantly held me back and buried his head in the crook of my neck.

I kissed the top of his head lovingly and apologized over and over again. Eventually he picked his head up and kissed me to shut me up. I knew everything would be okay then. He pulled away and said, "Do you want me to say what you want to hear?"

I hugged him and said softly, "It would be appreciated, dobe; just once."

He laughed and cupped my face in his hands. "You're sleeping on the couch tonight."

Mission accomplished. Victory was mine. Three cheers for Sasuke – I had finally been put on the couch.

Then I wondered what I would have to resort do to make Naruto put handcuffs on me.


End file.
